She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Put the is in disheveled
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Somebody call the cops.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken