excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
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I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.