It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day