I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.