I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.