Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”