Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
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my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
You got this…
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.