You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love