twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that