Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
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“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My dad.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…