I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
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I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Holy moly
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.