Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
welcome back
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready