if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.