A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong