I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?