this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.