Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
You Might Also Like
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice