My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
You Might Also Like
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
📽️movie date🎞️
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket