Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
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I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art