Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
plant them where lol
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Worth a try
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.