The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
You Might Also Like
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light