Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
You Might Also Like
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.