Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.