Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint