Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.