[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
saving face 👀
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?