Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
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GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit