The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
eggs benadryl
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin