“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
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Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Ken is short for chicken
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
hackers play passwordle
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.