it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
This is me 🤣🤣
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.