BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying