me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Ferrari squats
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.