My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: