Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Human are so complicated
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Become ungovernable.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids