In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
You Might Also Like
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol