I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg