Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason