*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.