waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit