the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
😂💯
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”