Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.