That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
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This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?