Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
You Might Also Like
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God