i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
nobody’s gonna understand