Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Not all heroes wear capes…
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
We like the way Dwight thinks
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
The booster protects against what, now?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…