Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
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Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job