Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
You Might Also Like
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I have never heard an armadillo before.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread