That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
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Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!