Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
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me when i see my girls butt
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Passed by a old school Math example today.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.