One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
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Just a friendly reminder!
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.